The East Terrace

IRB to force players to Tweet, Facebook during games

The International Rugby Board has given the green light to a host of radical measures designed to bring fans closer than ever to the game.

Worried that the forthcoming summer tours to the southern hemisphere by England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland are not generating enough momentum, a team of marketeers has been appointed by the Home Unions to spice up what is on offer and make sure the fans are fully engaged with the fixtures.

The extremely controversial endorsement of the proposals by the IRB mean that all players will be expected to interact with fans via social media before, during and after games by using extra durable smartphones which will be carried in a special pouch on new high-tech jerseys.

"Rugby can't stand still and rely on the game alone to appeal to fans," said Michael Drew, head of the marketing team appointed to oversee the summer tours. "We need to move forward. Rugby's slowly been getting a little more interactive over the years. First, back in the nineteenth century you could sing, clap and shout when attending a game. Decades later you were able to wear your replica shirts to show your colours off to the world and support the lads.

"Then, just a few years ago, you could start to buy radios to listen to the match official whilst sitting in the stadium. It's only natural, therefore, that the next step is allowing fans to vote, via Facebook apps on their smartphones, on what substitutions the coach should make. Or that players Tweet their unique view on the action whilst it is actually happening. It's a very natural progression and we think it is going to be great fun for all concerned."

The IRB are keen to stress that the social media initiative is for this summer only and will be reviewed before being implemented in the Six Nations, Rugby World Cup or any other major tournament.

For the full story: http://www.espnscrum.com/scrum/rugby/story/164531.html 

IRB makes rugby an amateur sport again

The International Rugby Board has confirmed that as of September, 2012, rugby union will again revert to being an amateur game. From this date onwards no players can receive any financial rewards for taking part in the sport and if they do so they will be banned from the game for life.

The decision, which has rocked the rugby world, reverses the momentous decision in 1995 to go professional and to end the 'shamateurism' which blighted the sport for well over a century.

The IRB has chosen to end rugby's 'open' period after reviewing video evidence from the southern hemisphere's Super Rugby competition which has shown that it is now becoming not only commonplace for players to dance after scoring a try, but also that said dancing is not followed with the players involved being ostracised from the game.

The key incident which has prompted the dramatic volte-face was former England fly-half Danny Cipriani dancing during an appearance for the Melbourne Rebels. (The dance can be viewed here - viewer discretion advised).

The IRB also cited the wearing of a red sparkly hat by centre Jamie Robert's after Wales' recent Grand Slam win and claimed it was another nail in the coffin of rugby as a professional sport.

"We can no longer stand idly by whilst our once great game is besmirched in such a way," said IRB spokesperson Andrew Lyons at a Dublin press conference. "The actions of a worrying large number of modern professional players has stripped our game of its dignity and its status. We hereby confirm that from this coming September the game will revert to its amateur status. May God forgive us for our trespasses against His holy game. Not even in our worst nightmares back in 1995 did we see rugby coming to this."

For the full story: http://www.espnscrum.com/super-rugby-2012/rugby/story/163239.html

Shock as passionate British man leaves for foreign lands

The rugby world has been rocked by the utterly unexpected decision of former British Lion and England centre Riki Flutey to move to the colonies.

Despite achieving what was no doubt a life-long burning ambition to represent the British and Irish Lions (as he did in 2009) and winning 14 caps for his beloved England, the threequarter has, for some unknown reason, decided to commit his future to the land of New Zealand.

Many are claiming it is the oddest move since Welshman Shane Howarth upped sticks and also headed to the land of the long white cloud.

You can read Flutey’s 2009 Lions’ diary here: 2009 Lions' Diary.

BREAKING NEWS: Eye poking, finger biting player gets time off for good behaviour

England and Northampton’s Dylan Hartley has been banned a MASSIVE eight weeks for biting the finger of Stephen Ferris during the Six Nations clash with Ireland.

Many in the game feared that Hartley’s poor disciplinary record, including a 26 week ban in 2007 for bravely gouging the eyes of two fellow professionals, would see him receive a draconian punishment for his latest infringement.

However, the Six Nations hearing gave Hartley just eight weeks; four weeks less than the entry level for a biting offence.

The citing panel wisely said that the four week reduction was appropriate as the gouging was so, so long ago.

In a stunning coincidence, the ban finishes in time for Hartley to travel to South Africa with England in the summer.

Well done to all concerned. 

Meanwhile, referees have been told to continue producing yellow  or red cards for any player who even thinks of mistiming a tackle in any way which may, if it ever happened and wasn’t just in their head, may lead to something which looked a little bit like a tip tackle. 

After all, deterring foul play is all important for our great game.

PLEASE NOTE: For legal reasons we would like to state that the picture of the personification of Justice which accompanies this article was NOT gouged by Dylan Hartley.

BREAKING NEWS: Gatland's 'Young Guns' quit rugby

Wales' hopes of building on their glorious 2012 Six Nations and making a bid for the world title have been blown to smithereens after a remarkable series of events which has led to seven of their best players seemingly quitting rugby.

News is emerging from the Welsh camp that stars including Alex Cuthbert, Dan Lydiate, George North and captain Sam Warburton have gone AWOL with all evidence indicating they have no intention of returning to the fold.

The young Welsh team have won almost universal praise in the rugby world for their dedication, work rate and professionalism. The players religiously followed the intensive training regime laid down by Warren Gatland's management team which included workouts in -120C in special cyrotherapy chambers, constant full contact sessions and alcohol bans. The youthful squad, that boasts an average age of just 25, was rewarded for their 'monk like' existence by a world cup semi-final and a Six Nations grand slam in the space of half a year.

However, it seems the harsh regime has broken several of the young players who have followed their win over the French in Cardiff with an orgy of drink, junk food, video games, BMXing and women.

"At present we can only confirm the following," said Peter Jones of the WRU at an emergency press conference in the Vale of Glamorgan. "After the encounter with the French in Cardiff on March 17, 2012, the Welsh team and management retired to a privately booked bar to celebrate the momentous achievement of Wales' eleventh grand slam. For many of the players this was the first time they had consumed alcohol for many months. Unfortunately the combined effects of drinking alcohol after abstaining for so long in addition to their youth and the exertions of international rugby meant many players suffered dramatic changes in their behaviour. Many of the younger players, after drinking so much, decided to engage in leisure pursuits commonly engaged in by other young men of the principality. But it seems that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, so to speak. These players are now showing extreme signs of addiction."

For the full shocking details: http://www.espnscrum.com/scrum/rugby/story/161699.html

WRU prevent ‘flat Grand Slam’ atmosphere

The Welsh Rugby Union are being praised throughout the rugby world for avoiding the disasters of the 2005 and 2008 Grand Slams by ensuring the atmosphere in the ground amongst the 70,000 Welsh fans was suitable for the occasion.

Unlike the muted affairs of 2005 and 2008, the Welsh Rugby Union were ready with middle of the road pop music to play after any Welsh try during the French clash last weekend.

The mediocre tune, blasted over the public announcement system after Alex Cuthbert’s winning try, helped to excite the otherwise bored and disinterested crowd.

The visionary rugby union feared a repeat of the recent Grand Slams when tries by Wales were greeted by Welsh fans with confusion as they had no idea they were meant to be happy and joyous.

Welsh fans were thrilled with the music as it signified to them that Cuthbert’s try was something they should show emotion about.

 “If only the Grand Slams in 2005, 2008 and the 1970s had had musical accompaniment then they would be memories to actually cherish,” said Welsh rugby fan Andrew Jackson of Barry, South Wales.  “But sadly all we had was the utter joy, noise, tears and roar of tens of thousands of patriotic countrymen to celebrate with.  Thank God for middle of the road pop music and all hail to the WRU.  2012 tops them all.  A Grand Slam AND some music after a try?  Wow, I think I am having a delayed heart attack.”

Police, however, were relieved that Wales only scored one try.  A senior police officer slammed the WRU for overexciting the crowd and claimed that if Wales had another scored another try the return of the "absolutely riveting tune" could have led to Cardiff been "torn apart" by a frenzied mob.

The Scottish Rugby Union are claiming they inspired their counterparts with their similar policy which also includes playing brilliant music during player injuries.

New Zealand elders...nedívejte se!

Knowing how offended the NZRFU get when the All Blacks perform their Haka and an opposing team looks at it/moves towards it/stands in a semi-circle in front of it/ignores it/asks them to do before an anthem/throw grass in the air, etc….it is probably for the best the NZRFU take little interest in Czech domestic rugby (as covered on the Terrace in February):

 

Proboha!

Media Watch: “Except when you're given a crack…”

Stephen Ferris (quoted BBC Online, 14^th March, 2012) on England:

“They're bad losers ..."

Stephen Ferris (quoted BBC  Online, February, 2012) on Ireland’s record at that point of six losses in nine games in the Aviva Stadium:

"New Zealand are the only team who have really beaten us. In the rest of the games we probably beat ourselves…we've let teams off the hook."

Brave Keith Earls lucky to escape with his life after vicious attack by Max Evans

Irish international Keith Earls was lucky to escape with his life (and possibly even a fate worse than death) after being horrifically assaulted by Max Evans of Scotland during Ireland’s 32-14 win in Dublin last weekend.

In the 73^rd minute of the match, Earls chipped ahead in the Scottish 22 to try and create a try that would seal the game.  Whilst chasing the ball he was blindsided in a cowardly attack by the Scottish three-quarter who aggressively touched Earls’ arm.

Displaying great composure during the life threatening attack, Earls was able to wave his hands in the air in a manner similar to an association football player before falling to the ground.

Amazingly, the officials only yellow carded the Scottish thug.  It seems inevitable that Evans will never play rugby union again.  He is too dangerous and stains our great game.

Astonishingly, Keith Earls, despite having his arm touched in such a brutal manner, has indicated he wants to carry on playing rugby union.  Such bravery!

Mr. Earls, we salute you!  You are all that is good about rugby union.

BREAKING NEWS: FFR will not reimburse Irish fans who dressed as leprechauns

The French Rugby Federation has revealed that they will reimburse any Irish fans that purchased tickets for the postponed Six Nations.  The France – Ireland clash was called off last weekend due to extreme weather conditions in the French capital.

However, in a move welcomed by millions, Irish fans who attended the match dressed as leprechauns will not be able to claim their money back.  Ticket holders will be matched against CCTV images from the stadium before being issued a refund.

“It’s time someone took a stand,” said a FFR spokesperson.   “It’s tacky, unoriginal, not funny and must surely irritate any self-respecting Irish person who wishes to move on from negative and twee stereotypes.  Most of all, we don’t want that kind of thing in Paris.  We have standards.  Also, if you are going to do it make your own costume and don’t buy one of those cheap off the shelf things.”

After issuing the statement the spokesperson shuddered in horror at the thought of the whole thing.

The move will increase pressure on the Six Nations committee to ban the costume from future tournaments.