There is huge concern for the wellbeing of top Welsh media figures after the Welsh Rugby Union’s Imperator Caesar Divi Filius Roger Lewis (CEO) completed his mission of saving the Welsh nation from itself and ascended to the heavens to take his rightful place amongst the stars.
Caesar Lewis’s departure from the throne on the blackest of all Fridays in Welsh national history, was met with much gnashing of the teeth, terrible wailing and pulling of hair in the offices of Thomson House and BBC Wales’ headquarters in Llandaff.
Particular concern is being expressed for the health of Caesar Lewis’s loyal servants such as Delme Parfitt and Andy Howell who are rumoured to have shaved off all their hair and made a vow to not rest until they have personally constructed a temple of the finest marble and largest rubies that extends 10,000 feet into the Cardiff skies to honour the demigod.
A joint statement from Media Wales and BBC Wales was issued by a group of Thomson House employees wearing sackcloth and beating themselves with the pointy bits of replica Millennium Stadium souvenirs.
“Oh Glorious and Majestical Caesar, be with us always - take any form, drive us mad! Only do not leave us in this abyss where we cannot find you. Oh, God! It is unutterable! We cannot live without our life, we cannot live without our soul! Signed with tears of love, devotion and never ending loyalty, Delme Parfitt, Gareth Lewis, Steff Garrero, Talfarn Davies, Andy Howell, Paul Abbandonato, Alan Edmunds and Talfarn Davies."
Caesar Lewis’s reign was extraordinary for the astonishing fact that everything he did was agreed by the main figures of the Welsh media to be unquestionably flawless, despite the constant seas of trouble he had to bravely endure from all angles and from mere mortals.
Highlights of Lewis’s reign included:
- Inspiring Wales to two grand slams, three championships and one World Cup semi-final since 2008 thanks directly to his post-match dressing room rhetoric after each game, which caused Welsh players to weep tears of joy.
- Lewis’s restructuring of the WRU’s massive debt directly reshaped the space time continuum and led to victories over the All Blacks in 1905, 1935 and 1953.
- Lewis’s handling of the restructuring of European rugby ensured Wales conceded just three tries in the 2015 World Cup.
- Lewis’s decision to ensure Wales played Australia every three weeks for four years made sure that matches at the Millennium Stadium retained their magic and appeal and built a new generation of loyal fans who promise to continue to buy at least two thirds of available tickets for all Welsh games. The games also helped Wales qualify for the 2015 World Cup's 'Group of Death'.
- Lewis’s ‘giant flag’ has gone down as an inspired design classic and inspired a new generation of artists and brought about the dawn of a golden cultural era which will see Wales rival Italy in the 16th century.
- Lewis crafted an entirely new language of managerial speak which superceded classical Greek in its complexities and breathtaking beauty.
Amazingly, Caesar achieved all this despite the Machiavellian and self-interested actions of Brutus like figures such as Gerald Davies, who dared blaspheme against Lewis’s unquestionably correct thoughts on all matters.
Lewis departed the Millennium Stadium on Friday evening after a ceremony on the pitch which saw the blood sacrifice of various minor figures from the regional rugby periphery.
Caesar will now live eternally amongst the stars gazing down over his blessed and beloved land and intervening in moments of national crisis (which aren’t expected as he pretty much solved everything).
Lewis’s new dwelling among the stars is not expected to impact his ability to invite himself to appear on whatever Welsh national broadcasting show he wishes to appear on.